Long Distance: Only The Strong Survive. April 29, 2008

I was watching, “True Life: I’m in A Long Distance Relationship,” on MTV yesterday, and it got me thinking. At what point does distance stop making the heart grow fonder? When does being apart start to take a toll on two people?

It is 2008. We are all so independent. We work, we go to school, we have to socialize to define ourselves, and often it takes away from the one thing we really need at the end of the day. Our relationships.

Can long distance relationships work? I don’t have the answer to that. The longest I go without seeing my other half is Mon-Wed, and let me tell you, it’s horrible. How do people who live months without seeing each other make it work?

I am a college student, like so many of us out there. It has been the best and the hardest time of my life. When I was single, I did what I wanted when I wanted. Now, I still do what I want, but there is always someone else in my head. His feelings and how he would like to be treated. So many of us are away from our relationship while at school. Some much worse than I, and I feel silly complaining about 3 days. However if I feel the separation, how are those who separate for weeks or months dealing with the strain?

According to Simona Kogan, who is the Features Editor for The Daily Targum, which serves the Rutgers community, “Author Thomas Haynes Bayley once said, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Did Bayley know what it meant to be in a long-distance relationship during college? Probably not. However, even if he had, the trials and tribulations of having a relationship when you are not located near the one you love never gets easier. Whether or not absence makes the heart grow fonder, many university students are dealing with the issue. According to The Journal of College Student Development, more than one-in-four of the 9 million college students in the United States are in long-distance relationships during their four years of college - that is, one partner does not go to the same college or live in the same town as their significant other.”

More than one-in-four! It makes me wonder. How many students let their grades suffer, or lose sleep while their paying their way through school, because they are apart from their loved one? How many relationships survive college? How can a relationship last when two people can not see each other?

“Distance can make the heart grow fonder”, but maybe, for those of you out there dealing with extreme distance, “Too much distance can make the heart…wander.” Sorry for the cliche, but is it true?

I hope that those out there in a long distance relationship do what they feel is right for them. Love is a great and powerful thing. If you find it, try your hardest to make it work, because there are some that are never lucky enough to stumble across the real thing.

I believe, even though I have only experienced a tiny degree of separation, that perhaps, it is worth it.  Maybe being with someone is the one thing we all hold on to that keeps us going. Long distance relationships, they’re not for the weak. Only the strong survive.
Good Luck!

 

Love Yourself April 29, 2008

Being in a relationship with someone else can be great. Relationships, like the ones I have blogged about, can be filled with roller coasters of emotions, ups, downs and adventures. Relationships. The ones that survive have to contain two people who know themselves and know what they want out of life. What am I getting at? I believe that in order to make your relationship work with that certain someone, that there is one other relationship that has to be in sync. The relationship you have with yourself.

Before I met my current boyfriend, I went on a male hiatus for about three years. Of course during that time, I bitched and complained to my girlfriends, and vice versa, about being single. I complained about the men that I had dated and the ones I wasn’t dating. I can remember going to places and doing things wishing that I had someone to share it with.

Looking back on those three years, I would not have changed a thing. Sure, while I was in it and experiencing it, I might have wanted change. Now that I can stand back and take it all in, my so called “single life,” made me the woman I am today. It made me strong and independent. It made me the person my current boyfriend fell in love with and respected.

To make it in a relationship you have to love yourself. It is amazing what confidence looks like on the outside. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who has yet to find themselves. Often enough, the reason why some relationships falter is because one or both parties involved have yet to evolve into the people they are meant to be.

My advice: In order to be in a loving relationship you must LOVE yourself. Who cares about what other people have to offer. You are the best you that you can be. When you respect yourself others will respect you. When you love yourself, someone will love you. If not… who is better than you? No one.

Baily Landon, a relationship writer from Associated Content Online writes, “When you feel you are ready for a relationship again, don’t go for someone who wants to change you. Don’t go for someone who makes you feel that you aren’t good enough as you are. Don’t get involved with a person that won’t allow you to be yourself. Don’t go for someone whose idea of love is for you to lose your identity in order to make them happy. Go for the person that accepts you for you, all of you, as you are. Go for the one that makes you feel like you can be yourself, that isn’t out to change you, that loves you exactly as you are, that listens to you, that understands you, that wants you for you, not some fantasy they want to fulfill. “

Could not have said it better.

Classic Break- Up Scenes April 25, 2008

I’m a creepy neighbor… Call me Gladys Kravitz April 25, 2008

Just like the fictional character, Gladys Kravitz, that was portrayed in the comedy, “Bewitched,” I have been a creepy neighbor. Of course I was willing to sacrifice for the better reading pleasure of my dedicated readers. However this entry has a sad undertone to it. I know I blog about relationships, trying to help those in them figure out what the heck their doing, in turn, honestly, helping me figure out my own story. But what about those people who are just coming out of a relationship?

About a year ago I watched this couple, move into the house across the street from me. For a year I watched as they painted, hung laundry, cleaned and got settled in. About a month ago when the weather started getting nice and windows started to open, the fighting that was heard from inside of their lives was heart wrenching. Yesterday a moving truck came and I pretended to get the mail and watched as the husband packed up all of his belongings and drove away.

Now her car is there alone while their laundry still hangs on the line. I can’t help but want to walk over and talk to her. We have all been there before. Whether it be divorce or heartache. It never gets easier. As I look at her windows still open, and her dog in the backyard, it doesn’t seem fair (for her) that life is going on around her, while her world is probably falling apart. For anyone who has been through it, even for those who haven’t yet, ending a relationship is like a death.

So even though some of us might be in relationships, to those who are ending them, it sucks. Sometimes it seems like when we find happiness in someone, we forget about those who are dealing with the death of their relationship, or even what it felt like to go through it ourselves. Seeing my neighbor move out yesterday really brought that home to me.

I found some sites and information that I hope can help. To those of you dealing with the pain of a break-up, it hurts like hell now, and even though you probably can’t imagine feeling worse, and won’t believe me if I say it, but it gets easier.

7 Tips on getting over a breakup- “You need to know that you are far bigger than your biggest feeling and keep in mind that even your darkest hour is only going to be 60 minutes in length.” This site offers great advice that hits home and won’t make you feel alone.

Surviving A Break-UpThis site will take you on the roller-coaster of emotions that ending a relationship can take you on.

Getting Over It-This site from Ivillage will take you to a plethora of other advice articles about getting over a relationship.

Till my next post…

NOTE: The story in which I tell stems from my own opinion of how this women is dealing with her situation. Sorry I have a heart and care, but I have been getting these horrible comments from people who really love my page ( sarcastic tone intended). If you have read my page, you know where I come from. Break-ups can be horrible, but they can also be a great thing that can lead to new life ya never knew you were possible of living. Don’t get me twisted. Jeeezzz.

Pick up Lines.. April 18, 2008

I work in a bar/sushi/steak house. Bottom Line…I get hit on. Usually by drunk old men or by guys that wear too much hair product. The common thread: the pick-up line. I have to give some of these guys credit. Where do they get the “you-know-whats” to say these things out loud? I mean think them in your head, but never say them…EVER. I have heard them all. Take a look, have a laugh, and whatever you do boys, don’t use them.

*Hey, when do you want to go back to my place?
*Do you mind if I stare at you up close, instead of from across the room?
*Help the homeless..take me home with you.
*Hi. My name is Milk, and I will do your body good. (bahhhhh)
*I’d look good on you.
*So…what do you like for breakfast?
*Are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here.
*It must have hurt when you fell from heaven.
*Do you have a map, because I’m lost in your eyes.
*Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
*I didn’t know that angels could fly so low!
*I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
*Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
*Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?
*If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
*If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

These are just a few of the lines that can make any girls skin crawl. I hope I made you laugh a little

Good Things Come in Small Packages…The tiny ways to say I love you.. April 18, 2008

I find myself in a bind lately trying to prove to my better half that it is not always the big gestures of love that count or mean the most. In fact most of the time he shows his love for me in ways that he might not even be aware of. Don’t get me twisted here, I wouldn’t turn down flowers or diamonds, but often I find myself needing the things that don’t cost a thing. Those are the presents that last forever for me personally. I want to keep this short and to the point. I hope that one can come away from my hints and experiences in this area either aware of something they never knew they wanted or can find ways they themselves can show love to their boyfriend/girlfriend without robbing a bank.

From my relationship to yours…sometimes love is Corny

* In the morning when my boyfriend leaves for work at 6 a.m, I am still asleep, or at least I pretend to be, (someone thinks its OK to turn on the bedroom lights when others are sleeping *cough*) he comes over to my side of the bed and sits there for at least a minute and then kisses me on the head. I know that to some that might be common, and I suppose it is. The thing is, he doesn’t know I know this, and it makes it all the more special for me. It says, I wish I didn’t have to leave…to me. It is sweet and kind, and without spending a dime, he starts my mornings off knowing that I am loved.

*My schedule is pretty hectic lately with school and work and trying to have some form of life in between, so my house suffers the consequence of my chaos. I am as anal as they come when it comes to keeping my life in order and neat, and my boyfriend knows this. It’s nice when I come home and my things are put away for me, my laundry is done, bed is made, and I can come home and just sit still for a while. It also adds to the time I have to spend with him. Sometimes knowing what creates stress in your partners life can be a really simple and kind way to show them you care by alleviating it and taking it off their shoulders.

*Obviously I have a passion for the written word, It is what I hope to make a career out of one day. Even though my boyfriend isn’t the best at putting things down on paper, he knows what it means to me. Letters are so telling of time, and are what I consider one of the most romantic gestures someone can do for you. It is free, and can mean more to you than anything that money can buy. For Valentine’s Day this year, he wrote me a letter from his heart to mine, telling me everything he has ever thought about our relationship, and framed it. So when I came home it was hanging on my wall. I look at it everyday and know how much I am loved. Call me Corny…go on..but I’m the happiest corniest girl you’ll ever meet.

*Life can get in the way of relationships, and especially romance. With technology ruling our worlds, sometimes the easiest way to show someone you care is in a simple email, call, or text. During the week when I’m almost 2 hours away from the love of my life, it is nice to know that he is only a text away. When I am sitting in class missing the crap out of him and I get a simple “miss you” text, well, there isn’t anything better than that. Sometimes the easiest way to show someone you love them, is simply by saying it.

There are so many different ways to show someone you care by the little things you can do. These are just a few of the ways I personally have felt it. Even if you don’t care for my ways personally, make them your own and find ways that relate to your life. If not… just try and understand the message. Love isn’t about how much money you can spend on each other.

-Jess

Interview With Dr. Diana Kirschner: Love Expert and Media Psychologist April 13, 2008

“Love expert, media psychologist and bestselling author, Diana Kirschner Ph.D., is the expert TV shows call when they want ratings. She is a recurring guest psychologist on THE TODAY SHOW and has appeared on OPRAH, GOOD MORNING AMERICA,MONTEL WILLIAMS,NIGHTLINE, THE SIMPLE LIFE, NPR and hundreds of other TV/radio talk shows. She is widely quoted as a love and relationship doctor commenting on dating, couples and family issues in the New York Times, USA Today, Time Magazine, The New York Post, The LA Times, Cosmopolitan, and US magazine and in numerous other on- and off-line publications.”(www.dianakirschner.com)

While browsing around online, as I find myself doing hourly, I came across Dr. Diana’s webpage and I was taken with her credentials and her down to earth style. I emailed her, as a stretch, asking if she would like to take part in a student blog about love and relationships. Honestly, I would be lying if I said I expected an immediate response, so when I received one, you can imagine my surprise.

Dr. Diana responses were not only timely but gracious as well. She explained to me that once upon a time, she had been a student too, and that she would love to answer some questions. I performed an online interview with her, asking her some questions that I believe we all wonder about. Take a look..

Q.) What are your thoughts on couples co-habiting before marriage?

Dr. Diana.) Research has been mixed on this. Some studies show that couples who live together first tend to have less satisfying relationships. Other studies do not show these results. If you move in together before marriage you get to know each other really well. But problems stem from a lack of commitment to working through the difficult issues that always come up. With marriage there is more of a willingness to stick it out through the hard times.

Q.) Have you noticed any trends in relationships since you have become an expert? If so, what are they and what are your thoughts on them?

Dr. Diana.)The availability of online dating has changed a lot of things. People have more options, more people to choose from. I think it is easier to find a good match.

Q.) What do you feel are the most important qualities to look for in a
potential love interest? Do you think that the qualities we look for
change as we grow? Is that a good thing?

Dr. Diana.) Look for a best friend with chemistry! As we grow we tend to look less at the superficial stuff (appearance,sexiness, popularity, etc) and more at what really matters: integrity,loyalty, kindness, success, common goals for the future.

Q.) In your line of work, what have you found to be the issue that holds couples back the most in relationships? What advice do you usually give?

Dr. Diana.)They move too quickly in the beginning–spend too much time together,have sex. And they hardly know each other. Then the relationship blows apart! Take it slow.

Q.) In this final question, I would love it if you could give us (college students ages 18-25) any tips or pointers as far as maintaining healthy relationships during this time in our lives.

Dr. Diana.)See a lot of different people and don’t jump into any one relationship too soon.

I want to thank Dr. Diana Kirschner for taking time out of her busy schedule to help out with this questionnaire. Her answers were nothing short of honest and I appreciate it, and hope all of you out there do as well. Google Dr. Diana and see what pops up. Her website is listed above.

Virtual Lovin… April 11, 2008

So what exactly does getting “poked” on facebook really mean anyways? With new social networking sites popping out of the woodwork faster than a blink of an eye, not only has meeting people been made ridiculously easy, but it seems as though more and more people are finding love online.

With the click of a button we can now “poke” someone, instantly sending them a flirtatious innuendo. What follows a “poke”? Flirtatious messaging? Kissyfaced pictures? It kind of makes me nauseous. I have to admit though, I’ve been poked and prodded online, most of the time not answering if I don’t know the person, but talk about an ego boost.

With all of the advances in technology, we are now looking for love online. People pay hundreds of dollars to join match making sites such as Match.com andEharmony. We are being reunited with Classmates and long lost loves on Classmates.com, Craigs List and Reunion.com. What is next?

With people so desperate to find love, these sites are no where near their extinction. Is it a good thing? If this type of virtual mingling is for you, then more power to you. I would have a hard time trusting what I read about people. For instance, and this might sound horrible, so let me be careful of how this is worded. OK…if I was what society deemed “unattractive,” I wouldn’t publicly announce that on an online profile. I would talk myself up. I assume that this happens a lot.

I am constantly seeing ads for these dating websites with couples claiming that they found their soul mate in some chat room, and it was love at first cyber chat. What ever happened to the good old fashioned “blind date?”

I can see it now. In a couple of years two people will go on dates via webcam. I’m sure it is happening already.

So have you ever been “poked?” Do you find it creepy? I am not so sure that the advancment of technology was ever intended to find soul mates.

According to this survey By mid 2003 up to 37 million people in North America were supposedly using online dating services each month, whether in search of true love and devotion or merely for gawking and flirting.

I would love to hear what you, out there in the bloggingsphere have to say about this topic. Would you be all for meeting someone online? Do we still believe in meeting people in person anymore? Or is that old school? Let me know what you think…

Feature #3 comming Monday April 9, 2008

I will be interviewing the famous Dr. Diana! She has been on TV shows giving her expert advice such as OPRAH ( hey name dropper), Montel, Good Morning America and was the relationship coach for Paris and Nicole on “The Simple Life.” Pretty awesome huh? I have been emailing her asking her some questions I think we will all be able to benefit from! Stay tuned… DO NOT WANT TO MISS THIS!

Jessica Hope- Extreme Relationship Blogger

Tiffany Novo April 8, 2008

“Diamonds are a girls best friend.” Oh Marilyn… you have no idea. Lately the topic in my little click of females has been engagement. DUM DUM DUMMMM. It seems like everywhere I turn someone in our extended group is getting popped the question, and has a shiny new bauble on their left ring finger. I think I have officially caught the fever… I might like one too *cough*

Me and Ryan ( my boyfriend) have been dating for well over a year, and have been living together for about, oh, 9 months now. I’m graduating next semester and he just was released from the Navy after 5 years and is now working full time. He’s going to be 25 and me, well, I will be 22 shortly. Listen to me trying to justify myself. I just want a pretty ring. Call me what you want… I AM NOT ALONE.

Talking to my best friend (Renee, one might recognize her from last weeks feature with her beau Wayne) we have come to the conclusion that we are getting engaged obsessed. We want it, have to have it, and think about it probably more than two girls our age should.

I will mention it on here because I know that he doesn’t ever go on the computer nor does he have any idea how to get to this blog of mine, but Wayne, Renee’s boyfriend, text me last week about going to look for rings and needing my assistance. BAHHH( thats my shocked noise). My best friend is going to get engaged soon. Fingers crossed. Hopefully I didn’t just jinx the crap out of them.

What am I getting at? I know, I know. Getting engaged is probably, one of the most important moments in a couples lives together. My boyfriend and I recently went to Tiffany for a consult. No, not to buy anything. YET. Persoanlly I think you have to be incredibly rich or just plain dumb to spend that amount of money on a ring. Would I say “no” to a ring from Tiffany? My mama didn’t raise a fool

However, since I was 15 I have been dreaming about my engagement, my wedding and all that good stuff. Planning out the details, like what my dress will look like, and what type of flowers I will have. Picturing how my future husband will propose, and how my family will then pop out of the woodwork crying and then we would all get drunk and celebrate. I’m not crazy, I am a girl, leave me alone Too much? Anyway…

Problem is, I am the one who was dreaming and researching all these years not him(Ry). For the biggest moment in a guys life they usually don’t know crap. Sorry to put it bluntly boys… but you don’t. When we went to Tiffany to get “schooled” on engagement ring 101, I sat back and took in the hilarious, complex, almost painful look on my boyfriends face. PRICELESS. It wasn’t because we weren’t having a great time, I mean I was in heaven. It was that he finally understood why I spent so much time looking into it. He had no idea how much there was to learn. In his head ladies, it’s save up, pick a pretty ring, and live happily ever after.

Can we let this happen? I will try to help a brotha out here. When it comes to getting engaged gentlemen, you do it once, so do it right. It doesn’t just say I love you. A ring will tell her how well you know her, how much you care, and how dedicated you were to finding something that she has dreamed of since she was a little girl. Sure, how you present it is crucial, but what lies in that little box speaks volumes…FOR-EV-ER( in kid from Sandlot voice)

When it comes to picking out a ring…I will do my best to keep it simple for you. THE FOUR C’s are all you need to know. CUT, COLOR, CARET, CLARITY. ( That or just go to Tiffany and buy the Tiffany Novo, trust me, it’s magnificent, so shiny, its like looking into the sun, OK. I will stop.)

Color: With the exception of “fancy colored diamonds”, the more colorless a diamond is, the more valuable it is. Jewelers grade diamonds on a scale from D (colorless) to Z (light yellow). Anything more yellow than D is considered fancy and is much more expensive.

Cut: Many people make the mistake of thinking that cut means the shape of the diamond. Rather, it means the way the diamond was faceted to allow light to reflect from it. In a well cut diamond, light enters the diamond and reflects straight back to the viewer’s eye. Some cutters will sacrifice cut to create the largest possible diamond, thus making too shallow or too deep of a cut and causing light to “leak” out the sides and bottom of the diamond.

Cut can be something very difficult for a layperson to evaluate, which is why it is important to get an AGS Certificate or a GIA Certificate verifying the quality of your diamond. Cut is graded Ideal, Premium, Very Good, Good, Fair, and Poor. Generally you should seek an Ideal to Very Good Diamond. Budget-conscious shoppers may opt for good.

Clarity: Diamonds frequently have inclusions, or small flaws, air bubbles, scratches, or other minerals inside the diamond. The less inclusions a diamond has, the more valuable it is, and the more beautiful it is.
The scale for grading diamond’s clarity is:

• F Flawless - no internal or external inclusions.
• IF Internally Flawless - no internal inclusions, slight external inclusions.
• VVS1-VVS2Very Very Slightly Included - minute inclusions that are very difficult to detect under 10x magnification, even by an experienced grader.
• VS1-VS2 Very Slightly Included - minute inclusions that are invisible to the naked eye and seen only with difficulty under 10x magnification.( This is the most common diamonds bought today)
• SI1-SI2 Slightly Included - invisible to the naked eye, yet easily seen by an experienced grader under 10x magnification.
• I1-I3 Included - inclusions are visible to the naked eye and affect brilliance.

Stones that are VVS2 to F are very rare and thus very expensive. Most couples will opt for something between SI2 and VS1, and will never know the difference.

Caret:This refers to the size of the stone. While some value caret above all, others prefer a small ring regardless of budget. If you’re buying a ring as a surprise for someone, consider how flashy their other jewelry is. If they’re not someone who wears a lot of designer labels or big jewelry, perhaps you’ll want to opt for a smaller stone. This site has a very useful chart to see how the most common sizes look on a model’s hand. Ideally, you’ll be able to try on a variety of sizes within your budget to see which size looks best on you or your love.

This information can be found at any jewelery store, or online feature regaurding this topic. I found this at Weddings.com

Buying an engagement ring can bring on a lot of pressure, not just mentally,but on your wallet as well. It varies with where one buys a ring, but most jewlers offer payment plans, loans and insurance ect. It is important that you get it right. It’s once in a lifetime if your lucky enough. So save up, and good luck! Hope this helps

Here’s a picture of the Tiffany Novo. It just does’t do it justice. Go have fun one day and try it on