Throughout my writing process for this blog I have talked to a plethora of people. Those in relationships, those not. Those looking for love, those not. Those wondering how they can better themselves, and those that are just sitting back on this ride we call life, waiting to see what happens. While on this never ending journey I found myself relating back to one common thread.
The leap of faith. (more…)
“Love expert, media psychologist and bestselling author, Diana Kirschner Ph.D., is the expert TV shows call when they want ratings. She is a recurring guest psychologist on THE TODAY SHOW and has appeared on OPRAH, GOOD MORNING AMERICA,MONTEL WILLIAMS,NIGHTLINE, THE SIMPLE LIFE, NPR and hundreds of other TV/radio talk shows. She is widely quoted as a love and relationship doctor commenting on dating, couples and family issues in the New York Times, USA Today, Time Magazine, The New York Post, The LA Times, Cosmopolitan, and US magazine and in numerous other on- and off-line publications.”(www.dianakirschner.com)
While browsing around online, as I find myself doing hourly, I came across Dr. Diana’s webpage and I was taken with her credentials and her down to earth style. I emailed her, as a stretch, asking if she would like to take part in a student blog about love and relationships. Honestly, I would be lying if I said I expected an immediate response, so when I received one, you can imagine my surprise.
Dr. Diana responses were not only timely but gracious as well. She explained to me that once upon a time, she had been a student too, and that she would love to answer some questions. I performed an online interview with her, asking her some questions that I believe we all wonder about. Take a look..
Q.) What are your thoughts on couples co-habiting before marriage?
Dr. Diana.) Research has been mixed on this. Some studies show that couples who live together first tend to have less satisfying relationships. Other studies do not show these results. If you move in together before marriage you get to know each other really well. But problems stem from a lack of commitment to working through the difficult issues that always come up. With marriage there is more of a willingness to stick it out through the hard times.
Q.) Have you noticed any trends in relationships since you have become an expert? If so, what are they and what are your thoughts on them?
Dr. Diana.)The availability of online dating has changed a lot of things. People have more options, more people to choose from. I think it is easier to find a good match.
Q.) What do you feel are the most important qualities to look for in a
potential love interest? Do you think that the qualities we look for
change as we grow? Is that a good thing?
Dr. Diana.) Look for a best friend with chemistry! As we grow we tend to look less at the superficial stuff (appearance,sexiness, popularity, etc) and more at what really matters: integrity,loyalty, kindness, success, common goals for the future.
Q.) In your line of work, what have you found to be the issue that holds couples back the most in relationships? What advice do you usually give?
Dr. Diana.)They move too quickly in the beginning–spend too much time together,have sex. And they hardly know each other. Then the relationship blows apart! Take it slow.
Q.) In this final question, I would love it if you could give us (college students ages 18-25) any tips or pointers as far as maintaining healthy relationships during this time in our lives.
Dr. Diana.)See a lot of different people and don’t jump into any one relationship too soon.
I want to thank Dr. Diana Kirschner for taking time out of her busy schedule to help out with this questionnaire. Her answers were nothing short of honest and I appreciate it, and hope all of you out there do as well. Google Dr. Diana and see what pops up. Her website is listed above.
A lot has been said concerning couples who take the plunge and decide to move in together. Some argue that it’s not the right thing to do, when some believe that the only way to truly get to know someone before marriage is by living with them.
According to statistics researched by AOL on cohabiting between 1960 and 2004, the number of unmarried couples living together, increased by 1200%. While 1 in 3 single women choose to live with their partners before marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950’s (Whitman 1997).These are amazing statistics that undeniably show a trend that is on the rise.
Part of this feature includes an interview with two New Jersey natives, Wayne Cummings, 25 of Toms River and Renee Tornabene 22, also of Toms River. The two who started dating in July of 2007 recently decided that it was time to take their relationship to the next level, when Wayne, who just purchased his first home, invited Renee to be a permanent fixture in his house.
Before I get to that fun interview I would like to share some more statistics I found while researching. I was very surprised to come across as much information as I did. As I mentioned opinions and beliefs vary on this subject. I believe that one should do what they feel is right in terms of this subject.
If you are in a position right now where you are trying to figure out what to do, here are some more statistics that could help.
Most unmarried partners who live together are 25 to 34 years old.
Slightly more than 8% of coupled households in the USA are cohabiting heterosexuals.
Women’s median age at first marriage rose from 20.8 in 1970 to 26 in 2004; men’s rose
from 23.2 to 27.
In 1960, there were 90 married couples for every cohabiting couple.
There is one cohabiting couple for every 12 married couples.
By the year 2010, if the present trend continues, there will be 7 married couples
for every cohabiting couple.
1 in 3 single women choose to live with their partners before
marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950’s (Whitman 1997).
Living together unmarried is more prevalent on the West Coast than anywhere else in the country. About
half of married couples living in the West of all ages lived together before married. By contrast,
for example, only 25% of the couples in the South lived together (Gallup Poll, Dec. 1997)
Democrats and liberals are significantly more likely to have lived together before they got married than
Republicans and conservatives (Gallup Poll, Dec. 1997).
Cohabitation is far more common in other countries such as Sweden, Denmark, Canada and some
Latin American countries (Seltzer, 2000, Hall & Zhao, 1995).
In England, 70% of single women choose to live with their partners
before marriage, compared to just 5% in the mid-1960s.(Ciavola 1997).
In Sweden there are a little over two married couples for every cohabiting couple.
50% to 60% of couples coming for marriage in first world countries are
living together before marriage (Cherlin, 2002, Seltzer, 2000; Teachman, 2003).
More men and women are moving in together, sharing an apartment and a bed without
getting married first and doing it more openly today (Waite & Gallagher 2000:36).
Nearly 50% of those in their 20’s and 30’s cohabit (Bumpass & Lu 1998;
Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Sweet 1989). Cohabitation has become the normative experience today.
The median duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years (Bumpass & Lu 1998; Wu 1995).
Long-term cohabiting relationships in America are far rarer than successful marriages
Couples who are less educated, have a low religious orientation, and less economic resources
are more likely to cohabit (Seltzer, 2000; Amato, Johnson, Booth, & Rogers, 2003).
Low levels of religious importance/participation are related to higher levels of
cohabitation and lower rates of subsequent marriage
Cohabitation rates are 8.2% for Mormons, 20 to 24% for Protestants, 23.1% for
Catholics, 32.5% for Jews, and 44.8% for nonreligious Americans (Mims 1999).
The probability that the first union takes the form of a cohabiting arrangement is highest
for Jews and lowest for Mormons. Although a Jewish upbringing is associated with
marrying at a later age, the probability of early formation of a union, broadly, defined,
is the same for Jews and Catholics, and is only .3 points below the estimate for
mainline Protestants (Lehrer 2000).
Cohabitation rates are 4.1% for those aged 15-19, 11.2% for 20-24, 9.8%
for 25-29, 7.5% for 30-34, 5.2% for 35-39, and 4.4% for 40-44 years of age
(Natl. Center for Health Statistics, 1995). The Census Bureau finds that
cohabiting is most popular in the 24-35 age group, with 1.6 million couples.
The next highest number of couples — 931,000 — are in the under-25 age group.
41% of women without a high school diploma cohabit whereas, 26%
of women with college degrees cohabit. Marriage for cohabitors is positively related
to higher levels of education and economics. (Qian 1998; Bumpass & Lu 1998;
Johnson 1996; Thornton, Axinn, Teachman 1995; Willis & Michael, 1994).
If a couple abstains from sex before marriage, they are 29 to 47% more likely to
enjoy sex afterward than those who cohabit . Sexual satisfaction rises considerably
more after marriage (Hering 1994:4). More women cohabit than men, but men are
more likely to cohabit serially (Bumpass & Sweet 1989; Teachman & Polanko
1990).
The average length of a cohabiting relationship that does not lead to marriage is
12 to 18 months (VanGoethem 2005:183).
Half of cohabiting relationships end within one year due to the couple either becoming
married or separating (Seltzer 2000).
Within the first two years approximately twenty-nine percent of cohabiting couples separate
compared to only 9% of married couples. (Bumpass 1994).
Within five years from the beginning of a cohabitation relationship more than half of these
relationships will end even if the couple had married during that time (Seltzer 2000).
Long-term cohabitation is rare: most couples either break up or marry within five years.
57% of cohabiting couples dissolve within ten years when compared with 30% of all first marriages
Many of those statistics put down the idea of cohabiting, while others encourage it. I strongly believe that if a couple has what it takes to make it then statistics would not matter.
In an interview conducted recently Renee and Wayne opened their “new” doors to me and answered a lot of questions that couples young and old wonder when it comes to moving in together:
Q. What were your initial thoughts Renee, on moving in with Wayne?
A. I was so nervous. I didn’t know how my Dad would react because I was only 21 when I decided to do it. After a while the idea settled in because they grew to love Wayne, and knew it was best for me. I thought honestly that it would be fun to move in and play house and decorate, but life hits you shortly after and the bills, and as fun as it has been there have been hard times.
Q. Could you name some of those hard times. Examples maybe?
A.(Renee) Sure. Finding a way to make sure he and I agreed on decorating was horrible. I wanted things to be comfy, while all he wanted was a plasma TV to play video games on. One of our biggest ordeals came from moving a couch that his mother had put a certain way. I figured it was my home and I could change it. It raised all hell. I love his mother but she was having a hard time letting go. Everything is better now, but in-laws are another issue that I didn’t expect. Also he works in New York and I work here in Toms River, so he leaves at 4 A.M. comes home at 7 P.M. and I don’t leave to go to work till 5 P.M. I get lonely sometimes. I miss the chaos that comes along with living at home with my parents, but I wouldn’t trade moving in with Wayne for anything.
Q. What have you learned about each-other that you didn’t know before moving in?
A. (Wayne) She leaves her clothes everywhere (laughs). She eats pudding every time of the day.She is probably one of the hardest working people I know. I knew that when we started dating, but seeing someone everyday and witnessing it, is another story. What else? She falls asleep in clothes, can not get up before noon and doesn’t like when I walk on the carpet after she vacuums. Something about the lines? I love living with her though, it just made me love her more if anything. We fight, well we pick at each-other over things that we wouldn’t if we didn’t live together, like money and who made the bed last, but if we want to make it work and last, we try not to harp on it. (Renee breaking in) I always make the bed.
Q.) If you could give advice to a couple who was thinking about living together what would it be?
A.) Renee- I think I really was certain that he was for me. I knew that I would be able to deal with the little things, because, and this sounds horribly cliche, but because they were his “little things.” I think that before people move in together they really have to sit down and talk about things that people don’t like to talk about. Money, tasks, and what each-other expect. We did it right off the bat so there weren’t any surprises as far as what he and I expected each-other to bring to the table
Wayne- Everything she said. I think its good for couples to know that not everyday is going to be a good day. Not everything will be perfect. Just make the best out of it, it has been really great because we work hard at it everyday.
Q. Last question, I promise. Do you think that couples should wait till marriage before living together?
A. (Renee) Well, obviously not. I think people should do what they want to do, but we believe that the only way we would know each-other (really well) is by living together. I would hate to live apart, get married, and then realize we couldn’t do it. How disappointing that would be. Living together allows us to experiment.
I want to thank Renee and Wayne for being so honest and open with me and allowing me to invade their home and their heads on this subject. I have included a slide show of what living together looks like, Renee and Wayne style. Enjoy.
In 2004 Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, writers from the HBO hit series, “Sex In the City,” coauthored the now famous self help book, “He’s Just Not That Into You, The No Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys.”
Ever since Oprah Winfrey featured this book, that was solely based on a Sex In The City episode, on her show, it has been the talk of girl’s night everywhere. Since it made its public debut, this harsh view of reality, has been flying off shelves everywhere, making a spot for itself on the best-seller list, and on the night stands of women world wide.
I wanted to take a look into the world that is this very book. The good the bad the ugly and give you a book review that is honest, just like this book.
Take a look to the bare text, chapter by chapter, if you will. For the few of you out there who have never read or heard of this book, let me set the scene for you. Each of the clever chapters are coined with sarcastic phrases for horrible situations that women encounter in the world of dating. Blunt, to the point, horribly true, yet, obvious situations that have the ability to make women everywhere, including myself cringe at the thought of them.
Get it? Got it? Great. In every chapter after going into detail about each self explanatory problem at hand, the two authors answer questions posed by women who have written into them, in need of obvious assistance. This section is a bit of a rant and some sort of his and her answer session.
An example of the simple, somewhat hard to hear advice co-author Greg Behrendt writes, “Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to”
The message of this book: don’t be blind women. This self help guide to dating is entirely made up of the excuses that women make for their situations. It also includes tips on how to get what you want, how not to look dumb, and how to know when he’s just not worth it.
Aimed for all of the women out there who have ever made an excuse for a man, this book is written for those who are undoubtedly looking for marriage or some form of romantic kinship. This guide has either been greeted with hailed reviews or completely shunned.
JoAnn Smith, age 49, twice married, twice divorced mother of 3 thought, “the book is great and wise. I believe that they indulged in the areas that young girls and their girlfriends won’t talk about and defiantly wont tell each other.This is true for a lot of reasons. One, they just simply don’t know yet, don’t have the experience. Second in some sick way every women likes being ahead in the game of dating. If my best friend had a better guy than me, or if I wasn’t dating a guy, I’m not going out of my way tell her what I think. Anyways, “I’m old fashioned. I still believe that men should chase women.”
Tara Krauszer, age 19, still in search. “I’m sort of on the fence with this book. In some ways the information is great, kinda obvious to any women of intellect but true and blunt. Then on the other hand, I feel as if it has a “poor you” attitude toward women. Most women know for instance, that when he stops calling… It’s over. ”
Two completely different thoughts, from two obviously different age groups. Does experience equal knowledge? Is this book telling the truth? As far as an overall review, just because it was the first one of its kind, and was loved by Oprah doesn’t qualify it as good. Entertaining and interesting? Sure. Founded? Not at all.
If you are interested in more books written by these authors:
Its called a breakup, because its broken- Greg Behrendt
How To Be Single- Liz Tuccillo
word count 752, 2 sources, 12 links
Monday I will be posting my first feature article. I am reviewing the book, “He’s Just Not that Into You.”Before I post this, I was hoping you all can do me a favor, something I know you enjoy, and tell me what you think.
For those of you that have already read this now famous book, take this poll and tell me what your thoughts are.
Poll: Hes Just Not That Into You Poll
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