Feature #2: The Art of Living Together- Renee and Wayne April 1, 2008
A lot has been said concerning couples who take the plunge and decide to move in together. Some argue that it’s not the right thing to do, when some believe that the only way to truly get to know someone before marriage is by living with them.
According to statistics researched by AOL on cohabiting between 1960 and 2004, the number of unmarried couples living together, increased by 1200%. While 1 in 3 single women choose to live with their partners before marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950’s (Whitman 1997).These are amazing statistics that undeniably show a trend that is on the rise.
Part of this feature includes an interview with two New Jersey natives, Wayne Cummings, 25 of Toms River and Renee Tornabene 22, also of Toms River. The two who started dating in July of 2007 recently decided that it was time to take their relationship to the next level, when Wayne, who just purchased his first home, invited Renee to be a permanent fixture in his house.
Before I get to that fun interview I would like to share some more statistics I found while researching. I was very surprised to come across as much information as I did. As I mentioned opinions and beliefs vary on this subject. I believe that one should do what they feel is right in terms of this subject.
If you are in a position right now where you are trying to figure out what to do, here are some more statistics that could help.
Most unmarried partners who live together are 25 to 34 years old.
Slightly more than 8% of coupled households in the USA are cohabiting heterosexuals.
Women’s median age at first marriage rose from 20.8 in 1970 to 26 in 2004; men’s rose
from 23.2 to 27.
In 1960, there were 90 married couples for every cohabiting couple.
There is one cohabiting couple for every 12 married couples.
By the year 2010, if the present trend continues, there will be 7 married couples
for every cohabiting couple.
1 in 3 single women choose to live with their partners before
marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950’s (Whitman 1997).
Living together unmarried is more prevalent on the West Coast than anywhere else in the country. About
half of married couples living in the West of all ages lived together before married. By contrast,
for example, only 25% of the couples in the South lived together (Gallup Poll, Dec. 1997)
Democrats and liberals are significantly more likely to have lived together before they got married than
Republicans and conservatives (Gallup Poll, Dec. 1997).
Cohabitation is far more common in other countries such as Sweden, Denmark, Canada and some
Latin American countries (Seltzer, 2000, Hall & Zhao, 1995).
In England, 70% of single women choose to live with their partners
before marriage, compared to just 5% in the mid-1960s.(Ciavola 1997).
In Sweden there are a little over two married couples for every cohabiting couple.
50% to 60% of couples coming for marriage in first world countries are
living together before marriage (Cherlin, 2002, Seltzer, 2000; Teachman, 2003).
More men and women are moving in together, sharing an apartment and a bed without
getting married first and doing it more openly today (Waite & Gallagher 2000:36).
Nearly 50% of those in their 20’s and 30’s cohabit (Bumpass & Lu 1998;
Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Sweet 1989). Cohabitation has become the normative experience today.
The median duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years (Bumpass & Lu 1998; Wu 1995).
Long-term cohabiting relationships in America are far rarer than successful marriages
Couples who are less educated, have a low religious orientation, and less economic resources
are more likely to cohabit (Seltzer, 2000; Amato, Johnson, Booth, & Rogers, 2003).
Low levels of religious importance/participation are related to higher levels of
cohabitation and lower rates of subsequent marriage
Cohabitation rates are 8.2% for Mormons, 20 to 24% for Protestants, 23.1% for
Catholics, 32.5% for Jews, and 44.8% for nonreligious Americans (Mims 1999).
The probability that the first union takes the form of a cohabiting arrangement is highest
for Jews and lowest for Mormons. Although a Jewish upbringing is associated with
marrying at a later age, the probability of early formation of a union, broadly, defined,
is the same for Jews and Catholics, and is only .3 points below the estimate for
mainline Protestants (Lehrer 2000).
Cohabitation rates are 4.1% for those aged 15-19, 11.2% for 20-24, 9.8%
for 25-29, 7.5% for 30-34, 5.2% for 35-39, and 4.4% for 40-44 years of age
(Natl. Center for Health Statistics, 1995). The Census Bureau finds that
cohabiting is most popular in the 24-35 age group, with 1.6 million couples.
The next highest number of couples — 931,000 — are in the under-25 age group.
41% of women without a high school diploma cohabit whereas, 26%
of women with college degrees cohabit. Marriage for cohabitors is positively related
to higher levels of education and economics. (Qian 1998; Bumpass & Lu 1998;
Johnson 1996; Thornton, Axinn, Teachman 1995; Willis & Michael, 1994).
If a couple abstains from sex before marriage, they are 29 to 47% more likely to
enjoy sex afterward than those who cohabit . Sexual satisfaction rises considerably
more after marriage (Hering 1994:4). More women cohabit than men, but men are
more likely to cohabit serially (Bumpass & Sweet 1989; Teachman & Polanko
1990).
The average length of a cohabiting relationship that does not lead to marriage is
12 to 18 months (VanGoethem 2005:183).
Half of cohabiting relationships end within one year due to the couple either becoming
married or separating (Seltzer 2000).
Within the first two years approximately twenty-nine percent of cohabiting couples separate
compared to only 9% of married couples. (Bumpass 1994).
Within five years from the beginning of a cohabitation relationship more than half of these
relationships will end even if the couple had married during that time (Seltzer 2000).
Long-term cohabitation is rare: most couples either break up or marry within five years.
57% of cohabiting couples dissolve within ten years when compared with 30% of all first marriages
Many of those statistics put down the idea of cohabiting, while others encourage it. I strongly believe that if a couple has what it takes to make it then statistics would not matter.
In an interview conducted recently Renee and Wayne opened their “new” doors to me and answered a lot of questions that couples young and old wonder when it comes to moving in together:
Q. What were your initial thoughts Renee, on moving in with Wayne?
A. I was so nervous. I didn’t know how my Dad would react because I was only 21 when I decided to do it. After a while the idea settled in because they grew to love Wayne, and knew it was best for me. I thought honestly that it would be fun to move in and play house and decorate, but life hits you shortly after and the bills, and as fun as it has been there have been hard times.
Q. Could you name some of those hard times. Examples maybe?
A.(Renee) Sure. Finding a way to make sure he and I agreed on decorating was horrible. I wanted things to be comfy, while all he wanted was a plasma TV to play video games on. One of our biggest ordeals came from moving a couch that his mother had put a certain way. I figured it was my home and I could change it. It raised all hell. I love his mother but she was having a hard time letting go. Everything is better now, but in-laws are another issue that I didn’t expect. Also he works in New York and I work here in Toms River, so he leaves at 4 A.M. comes home at 7 P.M. and I don’t leave to go to work till 5 P.M. I get lonely sometimes. I miss the chaos that comes along with living at home with my parents, but I wouldn’t trade moving in with Wayne for anything.
Q. What have you learned about each-other that you didn’t know before moving in?
A. (Wayne) She leaves her clothes everywhere (laughs). She eats pudding every time of the day.She is probably one of the hardest working people I know. I knew that when we started dating, but seeing someone everyday and witnessing it, is another story. What else? She falls asleep in clothes, can not get up before noon and doesn’t like when I walk on the carpet after she vacuums. Something about the lines? I love living with her though, it just made me love her more if anything. We fight, well we pick at each-other over things that we wouldn’t if we didn’t live together, like money and who made the bed last, but if we want to make it work and last, we try not to harp on it. (Renee breaking in) I always make the bed.
Q.) If you could give advice to a couple who was thinking about living together what would it be?
A.) Renee- I think I really was certain that he was for me. I knew that I would be able to deal with the little things, because, and this sounds horribly cliche, but because they were his “little things.” I think that before people move in together they really have to sit down and talk about things that people don’t like to talk about. Money, tasks, and what each-other expect. We did it right off the bat so there weren’t any surprises as far as what he and I expected each-other to bring to the table
Wayne- Everything she said. I think its good for couples to know that not everyday is going to be a good day. Not everything will be perfect. Just make the best out of it, it has been really great because we work hard at it everyday.
Q. Last question, I promise. Do you think that couples should wait till marriage before living together?
A. (Renee) Well, obviously not. I think people should do what they want to do, but we believe that the only way we would know each-other (really well) is by living together. I would hate to live apart, get married, and then realize we couldn’t do it. How disappointing that would be. Living together allows us to experiment.
I want to thank Renee and Wayne for being so honest and open with me and allowing me to invade their home and their heads on this subject. I have included a slide show of what living together looks like, Renee and Wayne style. Enjoy.
