Throughout my writing process for this blog I have talked to a plethora of people. Those in relationships, those not. Those looking for love, those not. Those wondering how they can better themselves, and those that are just sitting back on this ride we call life, waiting to see what happens. While on this never ending journey I found myself relating back to one common thread.
The leap of faith. (more…)
Hey everyone,
The semester, as all college kids are aware, is coming to a close. For me, and this blog of mine, I am not quite sure what it means. One thing that is for certain, is that I have started the process of writing my last feature. It is one that I hold very close to my heart, because it is based on a relationship that, in many ways, I have tried to copy. My grandparents. Stay tuned. I hope you will read and enjoy it as much as I have loved researching and discovering for it.
-Jess
I was watching, “True Life: I’m in A Long Distance Relationship,” on MTV yesterday, and it got me thinking. At what point does distance stop making the heart grow fonder? When does being apart start to take a toll on two people?
It is 2008. We are all so independent. We work, we go to school, we have to socialize to define ourselves, and often it takes away from the one thing we really need at the end of the day. Our relationships.
Can long distance relationships work? I don’t have the answer to that. The longest I go without seeing my other half is Mon-Wed, and let me tell you, it’s horrible. How do people who live months without seeing each other make it work?
I am a college student, like so many of us out there. It has been the best and the hardest time of my life. When I was single, I did what I wanted when I wanted. Now, I still do what I want, but there is always someone else in my head. His feelings and how he would like to be treated. So many of us are away from our relationship while at school. Some much worse than I, and I feel silly complaining about 3 days. However if I feel the separation, how are those who separate for weeks or months dealing with the strain?
According to Simona Kogan, who is the Features Editor for The Daily Targum, which serves the Rutgers community, “Author Thomas Haynes Bayley once said, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Did Bayley know what it meant to be in a long-distance relationship during college? Probably not. However, even if he had, the trials and tribulations of having a relationship when you are not located near the one you love never gets easier. Whether or not absence makes the heart grow fonder, many university students are dealing with the issue. According to The Journal of College Student Development, more than one-in-four of the 9 million college students in the United States are in long-distance relationships during their four years of college - that is, one partner does not go to the same college or live in the same town as their significant other.”
More than one-in-four! It makes me wonder. How many students let their grades suffer, or lose sleep while their paying their way through school, because they are apart from their loved one? How many relationships survive college? How can a relationship last when two people can not see each other?
“Distance can make the heart grow fonder”, but maybe, for those of you out there dealing with extreme distance, “Too much distance can make the heart…wander.” Sorry for the cliche, but is it true?
I hope that those out there in a long distance relationship do what they feel is right for them. Love is a great and powerful thing. If you find it, try your hardest to make it work, because there are some that are never lucky enough to stumble across the real thing.
I believe, even though I have only experienced a tiny degree of separation, that perhaps, it is worth it. Maybe being with someone is the one thing we all hold on to that keeps us going. Long distance relationships, they’re not for the weak. Only the strong survive.
Good Luck!
Being in a relationship with someone else can be great. Relationships, like the ones I have blogged about, can be filled with roller coasters of emotions, ups, downs and adventures. Relationships. The ones that survive have to contain two people who know themselves and know what they want out of life. What am I getting at? I believe that in order to make your relationship work with that certain someone, that there is one other relationship that has to be in sync. The relationship you have with yourself.
Before I met my current boyfriend, I went on a male hiatus for about three years. Of course during that time, I bitched and complained to my girlfriends, and vice versa, about being single. I complained about the men that I had dated and the ones I wasn’t dating. I can remember going to places and doing things wishing that I had someone to share it with.
Looking back on those three years, I would not have changed a thing. Sure, while I was in it and experiencing it, I might have wanted change. Now that I can stand back and take it all in, my so called “single life,” made me the woman I am today. It made me strong and independent. It made me the person my current boyfriend fell in love with and respected.
To make it in a relationship you have to love yourself. It is amazing what confidence looks like on the outside. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who has yet to find themselves. Often enough, the reason why some relationships falter is because one or both parties involved have yet to evolve into the people they are meant to be.
My advice: In order to be in a loving relationship you must LOVE yourself. Who cares about what other people have to offer. You are the best you that you can be. When you respect yourself others will respect you. When you love yourself, someone will love you. If not… who is better than you? No one.
Baily Landon, a relationship writer from Associated Content Online writes, “When you feel you are ready for a relationship again, don’t go for someone who wants to change you. Don’t go for someone who makes you feel that you aren’t good enough as you are. Don’t get involved with a person that won’t allow you to be yourself. Don’t go for someone whose idea of love is for you to lose your identity in order to make them happy. Go for the person that accepts you for you, all of you, as you are. Go for the one that makes you feel like you can be yourself, that isn’t out to change you, that loves you exactly as you are, that listens to you, that understands you, that wants you for you, not some fantasy they want to fulfill. “
Could not have said it better.
Just like the fictional character, Gladys Kravitz, that was portrayed in the comedy, “Bewitched,” I have been a creepy neighbor. Of course I was willing to sacrifice for the better reading pleasure of my dedicated readers. However this entry has a sad undertone to it. I know I blog about relationships, trying to help those in them figure out what the heck their doing, in turn, honestly, helping me figure out my own story. But what about those people who are just coming out of a relationship?
About a year ago I watched this couple, move into the house across the street from me. For a year I watched as they painted, hung laundry, cleaned and got settled in. About a month ago when the weather started getting nice and windows started to open, the fighting that was heard from inside of their lives was heart wrenching. Yesterday a moving truck came and I pretended to get the mail and watched as the husband packed up all of his belongings and drove away.
Now her car is there alone while their laundry still hangs on the line. I can’t help but want to walk over and talk to her. We have all been there before. Whether it be divorce or heartache. It never gets easier. As I look at her windows still open, and her dog in the backyard, it doesn’t seem fair (for her) that life is going on around her, while her world is probably falling apart. For anyone who has been through it, even for those who haven’t yet, ending a relationship is like a death.
So even though some of us might be in relationships, to those who are ending them, it sucks. Sometimes it seems like when we find happiness in someone, we forget about those who are dealing with the death of their relationship, or even what it felt like to go through it ourselves. Seeing my neighbor move out yesterday really brought that home to me.
I found some sites and information that I hope can help. To those of you dealing with the pain of a break-up, it hurts like hell now, and even though you probably can’t imagine feeling worse, and won’t believe me if I say it, but it gets easier.
7 Tips on getting over a breakup- “You need to know that you are far bigger than your biggest feeling and keep in mind that even your darkest hour is only going to be 60 minutes in length.” This site offers great advice that hits home and won’t make you feel alone.
Surviving A Break-UpThis site will take you on the roller-coaster of emotions that ending a relationship can take you on.
Getting Over It-This site from Ivillage will take you to a plethora of other advice articles about getting over a relationship.
Till my next post…
NOTE: The story in which I tell stems from my own opinion of how this women is dealing with her situation. Sorry I have a heart and care, but I have been getting these horrible comments from people who really love my page ( sarcastic tone intended). If you have read my page, you know where I come from. Break-ups can be horrible, but they can also be a great thing that can lead to new life ya never knew you were possible of living. Don’t get me twisted. Jeeezzz.
I work in a bar/sushi/steak house. Bottom Line…I get hit on. Usually by drunk old men or by guys that wear too much hair product. The common thread: the pick-up line. I have to give some of these guys credit. Where do they get the “you-know-whats” to say these things out loud? I mean think them in your head, but never say them…EVER. I have heard them all. Take a look, have a laugh, and whatever you do boys, don’t use them.
*Hey, when do you want to go back to my place?
*Do you mind if I stare at you up close, instead of from across the room?
*Help the homeless..take me home with you.
*Hi. My name is Milk, and I will do your body good. (bahhhhh)
*I’d look good on you.
*So…what do you like for breakfast?
*Are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here.
*It must have hurt when you fell from heaven.
*Do you have a map, because I’m lost in your eyes.
*Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
*I didn’t know that angels could fly so low!
*I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
*Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
*Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?
*If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
*If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
These are just a few of the lines that can make any girls skin crawl. I hope I made you laugh a little 
I find myself in a bind lately trying to prove to my better half that it is not always the big gestures of love that count or mean the most. In fact most of the time he shows his love for me in ways that he might not even be aware of. Don’t get me twisted here, I wouldn’t turn down flowers or diamonds, but often I find myself needing the things that don’t cost a thing. Those are the presents that last forever for me personally. I want to keep this short and to the point. I hope that one can come away from my hints and experiences in this area either aware of something they never knew they wanted or can find ways they themselves can show love to their boyfriend/girlfriend without robbing a bank.
From my relationship to yours…sometimes love is Corny
* In the morning when my boyfriend leaves for work at 6 a.m, I am still asleep, or at least I pretend to be, (someone thinks its OK to turn on the bedroom lights when others are sleeping *cough*) he comes over to my side of the bed and sits there for at least a minute and then kisses me on the head. I know that to some that might be common, and I suppose it is. The thing is, he doesn’t know I know this, and it makes it all the more special for me. It says, I wish I didn’t have to leave…to me. It is sweet and kind, and without spending a dime, he starts my mornings off knowing that I am loved.
*My schedule is pretty hectic lately with school and work and trying to have some form of life in between, so my house suffers the consequence of my chaos. I am as anal as they come when it comes to keeping my life in order and neat, and my boyfriend knows this. It’s nice when I come home and my things are put away for me, my laundry is done, bed is made, and I can come home and just sit still for a while. It also adds to the time I have to spend with him. Sometimes knowing what creates stress in your partners life can be a really simple and kind way to show them you care by alleviating it and taking it off their shoulders.
*Obviously I have a passion for the written word, It is what I hope to make a career out of one day. Even though my boyfriend isn’t the best at putting things down on paper, he knows what it means to me. Letters are so telling of time, and are what I consider one of the most romantic gestures someone can do for you. It is free, and can mean more to you than anything that money can buy. For Valentine’s Day this year, he wrote me a letter from his heart to mine, telling me everything he has ever thought about our relationship, and framed it. So when I came home it was hanging on my wall. I look at it everyday and know how much I am loved. Call me Corny…go on..but I’m the happiest corniest girl you’ll ever meet.
*Life can get in the way of relationships, and especially romance. With technology ruling our worlds, sometimes the easiest way to show someone you care is in a simple email, call, or text. During the week when I’m almost 2 hours away from the love of my life, it is nice to know that he is only a text away. When I am sitting in class missing the crap out of him and I get a simple “miss you” text, well, there isn’t anything better than that. Sometimes the easiest way to show someone you love them, is simply by saying it.
There are so many different ways to show someone you care by the little things you can do. These are just a few of the ways I personally have felt it. Even if you don’t care for my ways personally, make them your own and find ways that relate to your life. If not… just try and understand the message. Love isn’t about how much money you can spend on each other.
-Jess
“Love expert, media psychologist and bestselling author, Diana Kirschner Ph.D., is the expert TV shows call when they want ratings. She is a recurring guest psychologist on THE TODAY SHOW and has appeared on OPRAH, GOOD MORNING AMERICA,MONTEL WILLIAMS,NIGHTLINE, THE SIMPLE LIFE, NPR and hundreds of other TV/radio talk shows. She is widely quoted as a love and relationship doctor commenting on dating, couples and family issues in the New York Times, USA Today, Time Magazine, The New York Post, The LA Times, Cosmopolitan, and US magazine and in numerous other on- and off-line publications.”(www.dianakirschner.com)
While browsing around online, as I find myself doing hourly, I came across Dr. Diana’s webpage and I was taken with her credentials and her down to earth style. I emailed her, as a stretch, asking if she would like to take part in a student blog about love and relationships. Honestly, I would be lying if I said I expected an immediate response, so when I received one, you can imagine my surprise.
Dr. Diana responses were not only timely but gracious as well. She explained to me that once upon a time, she had been a student too, and that she would love to answer some questions. I performed an online interview with her, asking her some questions that I believe we all wonder about. Take a look..
Q.) What are your thoughts on couples co-habiting before marriage?
Dr. Diana.) Research has been mixed on this. Some studies show that couples who live together first tend to have less satisfying relationships. Other studies do not show these results. If you move in together before marriage you get to know each other really well. But problems stem from a lack of commitment to working through the difficult issues that always come up. With marriage there is more of a willingness to stick it out through the hard times.
Q.) Have you noticed any trends in relationships since you have become an expert? If so, what are they and what are your thoughts on them?
Dr. Diana.)The availability of online dating has changed a lot of things. People have more options, more people to choose from. I think it is easier to find a good match.
Q.) What do you feel are the most important qualities to look for in a
potential love interest? Do you think that the qualities we look for
change as we grow? Is that a good thing?
Dr. Diana.) Look for a best friend with chemistry! As we grow we tend to look less at the superficial stuff (appearance,sexiness, popularity, etc) and more at what really matters: integrity,loyalty, kindness, success, common goals for the future.
Q.) In your line of work, what have you found to be the issue that holds couples back the most in relationships? What advice do you usually give?
Dr. Diana.)They move too quickly in the beginning–spend too much time together,have sex. And they hardly know each other. Then the relationship blows apart! Take it slow.
Q.) In this final question, I would love it if you could give us (college students ages 18-25) any tips or pointers as far as maintaining healthy relationships during this time in our lives.
Dr. Diana.)See a lot of different people and don’t jump into any one relationship too soon.
I want to thank Dr. Diana Kirschner for taking time out of her busy schedule to help out with this questionnaire. Her answers were nothing short of honest and I appreciate it, and hope all of you out there do as well. Google Dr. Diana and see what pops up. Her website is listed above.
Relationship advice from DearCupid.org agony aunt | Bobbi Lee Hitchon on To A Lovely Blind Date: Octobe… |
 | Clair on To A Lovely Blind Date: Octobe… |
 | leahyj81 on Tiffany Novo |
 | Aulia on Tiffany Novo |
